I have thought about this for quite a while and despite the fact that this is quite a personal saga and should probably stay personal, I have decided to share my story with you. I believe if you have done something in your life whether the outcome was good or bad, the experience is wasted if you cannot share it with someone else to help them in some way or the other because you are too embarrassed or scared of being judged by others. The truth is, I will always be judged because my sins are different from yours, because of how much I have or don’t have, and how strong I appear on the outside. At the end of the day the appearance is what judgement is based on, fearing being judged by others is like fearing the rain, it will happen and in the end it really doesn’t matter if it happens… life goes on. Its appearance and a smokescreen. Not reality
I found out that I was pregnant 9 months ago at the most inconvenient time of my life EVER. I was still in a space where I was building my career and working hard on my future and success and I have always felt that there probably would never be space for babies in “MY success story”. That didn’t matter though because being successful and achieving was really all that mattered to me. In this day and age there are so many things that you can do to avoid an “unwanted” pregnancy, and these methods was definitely not neglected, but against all the odds I fell pregnant regardless.
My first reaction as it is with a lot of women, whether they planned to get pregnant or not, was shock and I also was not ready for the commitment. This was all in my mind only of course, and your mind really does play tricks on you at this stage! In all honesty I was scared, unsure, lost, and most of all it felt to me alone, as this was happening to MY life and to ME not anyone else. I felt “done in” and that my dreams and ambitions have shattered to the floor in a big untidy mess! My life was over. Which I of course was very far from the truth.
The cocktail of emotions running like dragon blood through my veins felt like it was poisoning me and I had no control over my emotions everything seemed ten times worse than it was. My high sensitivity to progesterone made me feel like I had PMS x 1000. I was angry, sad, I say once again alone, because no matter what anyone says, to ME it felt like I was the only person in the world to whom this has happened and nobody understood. I have learned from that that its so important to include your partner in your emotions every step of the way (even if you are not sure how to explain) TRY! Its SO unfair to expect your partner to just KNOW how you are feeling and to assume he knows how exactly you want him to support you. Remember everyone is different with different needs and communication here is crucial in making your first trimester as pleasant as possible. You don’t want to be dealing with relationship issues whilst holding your hair back to be sick the whole time while at the same time wondering why you want to rip everyones head off and then cry about it. I wish there was someone who had told me this when I was going through it, it would have made life so much easier.
All was not lost though. It took me a couple of days to wrap my mind around everything and I made a conscious decision to accept the pregnancy and that it was put on my life-path for a reason. But what I initially thought was a challenge, turned out to be the biggest gift I have ever received. I took a long hard look at my dreams my ambitions and what I wanted to achieve with my life and started working on my new life. Funny story is that everything I had planned was a selfish sabotage destined for success yes, but what about happiness? The thing is happiness and success means nothing if you can’t share it with someone and there were no “someone’s” in my plan. I had to make a conscious decision to accept God’s will and plan for my life and that he knew what I needed for my life better than what I thought I needed. It was time for plan B.
I decided regardless of the “fabulous” timing, to start my own company and re start my studies. I wanted to build something for my future that is not based on could have’s, would have’s or should have’s. My project management company and higher qualification Project Management Studies are both so far exceeding my expectations 🙂 I cannot stress how important it is to continue pursuing your dreams and not to get lost in the “magnitude” of however hopeless you think a situation may be. When you stay focussed on negativity it becomes your universe and your reality.
The first time I went for a scan my life changed. I saw my little boy (resembling more the shape of a butterbean) but it was my boy, non the less and I could see his heart beating, I could hear it, I could almost feel it inside me. My eyes filled up with tears (which I quickly wiped away me trying being all tough and all as usual) but the fact remains, I would never be the same again.
As time went by I stayed focussed on exercising being healthy and keeping my mind focussed on positive things. I carried on running 8km every second day by mid second trimester I went over to walking and today, at 9 months I am still walking every second day for 8km’s and will carry on doing so until I feel that I can’t any longer. Although at this stage I feel fitter, healthier and stronger physically and emotionally than ever! This is not the same for everyone I would recommend you listen to your body as you go along and not force the issue. It worked for me and the bonus was loads of endorphins kept me happy. My two little Jack Russell’s that always walk and run with me have also been an amazing blessing during this journey and have never left my side. They are lying right next to me as I write this.
By accepting the pregnancy I could now enjoy it and bond with my little boy. The best of all is I didn’t have to worry about executing MY OWN plan for my life because everything was in better hands now… I was not trying to be so “desperately in control” any more and it felt GREAT and so much less tiring than trying so hard and being so desperately scared of failing. The amazing thing is that the less I was worrying about everything the more everything was just falling into perfect place. I still carried on DJ’ing into late in my second trimester not only did I carry on playing music I played in more countries at more gigs and for more money than what I did in any of the years before. I also carried on doing modeling (ok granted it was preggie underwear but hey who is counting, work is work and I was ROCKING it!) My business got established in this time as well and I am doing amazing projects not only to sustain my life but to enrich others, to make a difference and to give back! One day I want to look back and really see what I have meant to others and not just what they have meant to me.
My baby was growing and despite my fear of losing control over my body I was absolutely loving it! Granted here towards the end things tend to get a tad uncomfy but I really didn’t have issues with my body as I thought I might have. What a great relief. I am however very excited to embark on my post pregnancy exercise routine and bounce back to my pre preggie body just better 😉 Yet another exciting challenge!
I would like to add another little miracle happened in this time. My sister who went for two Invitro- treatments as well as an operation on her Uterus fell pregnant two months after me and she two is expecting a little boy now in August. Against all odds she was never supposed to have children according to the Doctors. There really is no such thing as co-incidence. We are best friends and managed to help each other through these 9 months together as usual.
A special mention also to my mom who will never meet my baby. I have never missed anyone or anything as much as I missed her these last 9 months. I so badly wanted to share every minute with her and pick up the phone to ask about things and just to talk when I was sad or confused. I would have given anything to have her here. Its so important to enjoy your parents whist they are still here. I have to smile as I think about her, she always used to say “one day when you have your own children you will understand why I said this”…. and now her words finally makes sense. And she was right about regretting that tattoo also!
Almost lastly but definitely not least. I would like to talk about the most amazing person that I am lucky to have in my life. My partner of the last two and half years. He has been my rock, support and constant supply of love and laughter. There are no words to describe how blessed I am with my baby’s daddy. I could not have asked for a better father for my child. Use your partner as a pillar this journey, is not yours alone. Unconditional love is the words I can use to describe when it comes to him. (Im not gonna bore everyone and get all soppy) But he actually deserves 80 pages of praise!
To all the wonderful people out there who supported me, my friends who have been amazing, people I have not actually even met. You will never know how much everything meant to me. Little messages of encouragement … the small things… There is actually not enough space here to write all the names! There are also those who I thought would be there to support me and who was actually no-where to be seen, friends and family alike, and the people who actually tried to make my journey unpleasant whether they consciously meant to or not, thank you as well for making me stronger your judgements, and absence was noted and shrugged.
Changing from who and where I was into a mother was 9 months ago unfathomable to me. Now its on top of my priority list, to be the absolute best mommy I can be. This has been a hard 9 month journey, I have not learned so many life lessons in my entire life put together. And I would not change a single thing. This baby is the best thing that could have happened to me. The actual fact is, it happened for me, not to me. As we are expecting Samuel any day now I already can’t imagine my life without him. I feel incredibly blessed, humbled, special to have been chosen to be the mother of this child and over the moon I have never been this excited about anything. Sometimes its best just to let go and to let God…
“Samuel” meaning – “God has listened” ironically the prayer I prayed about 4 weeks before finding out I am expecting, was that I needed “something more” in my life “direction” I was praying for a miracle and God has indeed listened….
My dreams and ambitions are now bigger and better than ever because I am doing it for the right reasons. My life is filled with people who matter, also for the right reasons.
About The Author
“Health is a relationship between you and your body”
Hello my name is Brigitte Willers. I am a qualified fitness and business professional. I am also a lifestyle and fitness model, business owner and mommy to a boy named Sammy and three Jack Russells. Thank you for visiting The Jog Blog and hope to see you back soon!